I spent a lot of time thinking about God yesterday. Actually, it started the day before.
I have been having an overwhelming desire for something lately and sometimes when I think about it, I wound up with questions in my heart.
Will God really give me this? Do I deserve it? I don’t deserve it.
I ached so bad, trying to really wonder whether or not I can dare to believe that my Father will give me something so good.
And then all of a sudden I remembered a verse with which God used to wake me up last year.
“For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.”
I smile as I type right now because I remember the circumstances that brought me this verse.
That morning I woke up feeling all sorts of ways, it was a wilderness season for me and I just trying to get on by and not sink in my walk with God. I was scared and doubted Him for some things He said since I wasn’t seeing them.
Then He whispered that into my heart.
It was a Sunday.
I went to Church afterwards and that day was dedication of children in Church and as I looked at the mothers and the testimonies surrounding each child I just broke down and started to cry.
I bawled my eyes out as I just bawled my eyes out, thinking about how good God is.
And again He gave me that verse: no good thing would He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
It was the same thing He was trying to tell me two days ago.
I am good Frances.
I am good.
I took out my diary (physical diary) and I wrote to God. I first of all spoke to Him and as I did I cried. I was just simply overwhelmed. What my heart desired is something I seemingly do not deserve. But He says He is good. In fact what have I ever done to deserve His goodness? Nothing.
Why would He die for me and decide to draw me into His kingdom and proceed to make me a light for Him?
I spent all of yesterday reading Karen Kingsbury “a time to dance” and I was struck again by how good God is.
Why He would keep calling unto a soul that has seemingly abandoned Him.
He loves us so much so that even when we have stayed away from our Bible for so long, still, when we are faced with a tempting or trying situation, the Holy Spirit would bring the word to our remembrance and cause us to realign ourselves to His will.
He keeps pursuing us and keeps calling us back. For what?
Who are we?
I know He wants me to understand that He is good Father and He really really wants that to sink into my head.
And He’s being good has nothing to do with me.
In fact when it seems like I am so badly behaved and have been written off by men, then He comes in and shows me His goodness and that makes the effect even more harder to bear in my heart.
Me, undeserving me.
All I could simply come to is the fact that I simply love the way Jesus loves me.
I love Him too but I fail a lot. I should spend more time with Him. I mean when my alarm rings and I snooze it, He still speaks to me in that still small voice: come stay under my shadow Frances.
Come away with me, come spend time with me.
How is it possible to love and pursue someone else in such a way? And now I know the exact way He wants me to love others too.
He loves me too much with a love that is unreal most times and today, I just want to take the time to say that I am awed at your love for me Lord. I do not take it for granted and Jesus, I love you right back. I know that sometimes my actions doesn’t very well represent my heart but you blow me away with your love for me and whenever I think about it – really think about it, it gets me bawling.
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
I love the way you love me. Always.