To understand where this is coming from, please read “But why are you so picky about choosing a husband” HERE
This is from one of our blog fam Black who I all but harassed to write this (sorry).
For our men – the men who wanna do marriage God’s way, I hope this helps you stand against the flow of the world’s tide. Even I, a lady learned a lot from this.
May God give us the gifts of a spouse we all wait for and may we be such gifts too..amen!
You want to move into a new apartment. You first make enquiries about the neighbourhood, the structure you are interested in, the owners, the cost, your budget and sundry other matters. When you seem satisfied, you still agonise some more before you move. You want to start a business or other project. You research and then review the research. You carry out a feasibility study. You carry out a cost-benefit analysis. You do a SWOT analysis. Then you agonise some more before you stick your neck out. Yet you want to get married and you plunge headlong with hardly a pause. This makes no sense to me for the family which a marriage gives rise to is decidedly the most important human institution and who you marry is about the most important factor that determines the family that will ensue. Starting this project is definitely serious business and must be approached as such. (Luke 14: 28)
In going ahead to consider the question, I’d want us to first consider the question, “Why are we getting married?”
This wonderful sister just finished her doctorate when the marriage bug struck her- she was in her early 30’s. When she told me her choice, I told her he was bad news. It was bad! The guy is from a solid family, with serious wealth, a strong Christian reputation and good genes. The guy also professes Christ. Now, we all live in the same city and I went to school with this guy. I knew what was what. When I confronted the sister with the facts as I had them, she told me to give her whom to marry if I didn’t want her to marry Joseph. Eventually, I lost the argument and the marriage happened. This sister was one of my closest friends- still is. And when she called me about a fortnight after the wedding, something was different in her voice.
When she was single, there was always this undercurrent of laughter in her voice- like laughter was always lurking beneath the surface. This was not her most endearing quality, but it was a quality that sort of graphically illustrates her very good nature. When she called after the wedding, that undercurrent of laughter was gone. That first time she called after the wedding, she only made one statement, “You were right and I was wrong.” That night I found I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake grieving for all that was lost. I kept asking myself how a thing that creates this depth of sadness- this deep and abiding loss- could be good.
In the next two years, I kept listening for that undercurrent in her voice, until it dawned on me that it was gone for good- dead. The night I realized this, I wept. Now, this sister thrives, for like most African women, she’s strong and you’d hardly hear her complain, but she knows pain of a deep and abiding sort. She knows that as a Christian the divorce option isn’t open to her. So she endures. Her entire life can now be correctly captured by that single word-Endurance. So I ask, “What has been gained?” And then I insist that marriage must not be an end in itself.
I think the answer to the question, “Why do we marry?” is: to have a fulfilled life in the pursuit of the will of the Father for us, and that will is ,of course, doing our portion in the Worship of God and spreading the Gospel directly and indirectly. To me, this must come before any other benefit that might accrue from marriage.
I have seen too many marriages that amount to sheer survival- an endurance trek for the unfit; marriages that are a little more than cohabitation by two strangers who hardly ever get along- marriages in which the partners despise each other deeply. And these are Christian marriages.
At a point I kept wondering why so many Christian youths were turning out so unchristian, but I no longer wonder. I paid attention to the marriages we were contracting and I saw what is obvious but we fail to see, namely: that you cannot give what you don’t have. A couple have to exist in an atmosphere of peace, love and balance before they can create a similar condition for their children and then jointly and steadfastly bring up the children in the love and discipline of heaven- a job that is tough at the best of times.
It becomes untenable when the players do not realize what they are in for.
Over the years, one of the things I pay attention to when I watch single sisters around me is their opinions and knowledge of raising children. Sadly, too many of them believe it is something you start thinking about when you are married. This is why I am picky. For one of the major duties of parents is to bring up the children they are blessed with to be part of God’s fold-in the fear and mental regulating of the Father and obviously this is not a job you do if you have no clear understanding of what is involved.
I accept that marriage was instituted by Almighty God, hence He alone can give us the right template to make it work. I accept that He expects me to follow the spirit and letter of His prescription that my wife and I shall become one organism. (Gen 2:20-25)
I totally subscribe to the one organism concept and I won’t get married to someone who does not buy the concept. I also understand that on that wedding day I shall be calling God and the general public as witnesses to an eternal vow and I am not prepared to contend with God by breaking that vow. (Matt 19:9; Deut 23:21; Ecc 5:4-6) This is why I am picky.
I have seen married couples who after decades of marriage appear to still be courting – still share a love that is so obvious you stop to wonder what fuels that kind of love. One of my elderly friends tells me that it is a simple matter of starting with total love. Once you get married the love can only grow, and since it was total to begin with, it grows into something out of this world. This guy is fond of recounting several instances in his marriage in which he was separated from his wife by hundreds of miles and emotions, entire messages were communicated between them. He says such telepathy grows with time when you’ve shared your life- mind, life, not house- with someone. You become so ‘one’ that at times there just ceases to be two of you. This man makes me so envious. He makes me feel like grabbing a friend and proposing immediately. Yet he gives me reason to be so picky.
I want to get married to a woman in whom I will be totally united in the worship and fear of God, a woman that loves God deeply and has consciously dedicated her life to do His will, a woman who is sure of herself, a woman who understands her role as mother and wife, a woman who has balance in her life and will not waver in administering discipline to any children we may have, a woman with whom I won’t need to pretend, a woman I would never feel like hiding things from because she will be a portion of me, a woman in whose hands I can place my heart and confidently walk away. I want a woman who understands that the reason she is getting married to me is that together we will be stronger lovers of God than we are singly. I want to marry a woman who ‘agape’ loved God before she loved me. This is why I am so picky.
Some young undergraduate friends of mine visited and we were talking about their relationships and the concept of love came up. I asked them to define the term and I got so many exciting answers. Eventually one of them asked me for my take. I told them that the first point to note is that the love that works ought to be the love you know and not just feel. The guys almost lynched me. Their position was that love is all a heart thing and that the head has no say in the matter.
My friends were not being funny. I have seen that our society holds that notion that love is something you feel. I totally disagree. I not only disagree with the notion, but I think it is one of the most dangerous notions of our times- to leave one of the most important decisions in life to the whims of the heart. This is not to discard the feelings which could be a rich and wholesome experience. However, love has to be guided by knowledge and understanding of the object of your love and the duties or responsibilities that the love comes with. This love is agape (Mark 12: 29-31) and it is, of course, not a heart thing. It is a love that is guided by strong principles that require that one pay attention, understand, accept and develop compliance to. It is also a love that must come before romantic love for marriage to work according to specifications. It is a love that every Christian is required to live. It is also a love that most Christians totally ignore. This is why I am picky.
My Christianity has taught me that it is my duty to love my wife like my own flesh. I do not have plans of arguing with God or trying to negotiate. I believe that this is how he wants it done and I trust Him 100% that because He has said it, it is the best way to go about things. I am convinced in my mind that whoever I marry would suffer my total and undivided love and devotion. I take my time because the beauty that I search for is not the one that shines forth but the one that one has to search for- like jewels-and meanwhile I strive to make myself worthy of her when she does come. (1 Peter 3: 3-5)
The time does not bother me for I know that in the fullness of time, if I remain faithful, He who gives every good gift shall give me a companion that complements me. This is why I am picky.